You're Gunna Go Far
*** disclaimer ***
This is a sappy post… but the biggest take-away should be: Whoever you are, if you’re reading or have read this- it is brave what you are doing. You are brave for making your path, you are strong for going after what you desire and you should be proud of where you came from and where you are going.
Especially to those in unfamiliar places, one day it won’t feel unfamiliar. You are brave.
And, You’re Gunna Go Far.
Where do I begin?
When I was eighteen, I moved to Antigonish Nova Scotia.
I thought I wanted to be a doctor. I thought that leaving home was a good idea. I knew that St.Francis Xavier University was the school I wanted to go to.
I never thought Nova Scotia would become my home. I didn’t know how I would grow to love it so deeply.
Moving to Nova Scotia was a culture shock. I had spent countless summers with my family in PEI, driving across the Maritimes to the famous red sand beaches, but I had never spent more than two weeks on the East coast. My parents encouraged my brother and I to leave Ontario for university, to experience new things and hopefully grow outside of our comfort zone.
Liam went to Memorial University in Newfoundland and I went to St.Francis Xavier University in Antigonish. We each dropped out after our first year and moved home.
So, things didn’t exactly go to plan.
I can’t speak for my brother, but I did not adjust to being away from home very well. The stress of university and the unfamiliarity of Antigonish made things hard to adapt… Also my first year of school was actually a hot mess- that’s a story for another time.
So, after my first year of university, I moved back to Ontario with the plan to go to school there in the upcoming Fall. But, as fate would have it, I changed my mind at the last minute (literally one week before school started) and decided to move back to Antigonish NS.
I told myself that there was a reason I chose that school and that town. I knew that was where I was supposed to be.
Thank God I went back.
I remember thinking that after University I would move back to Ontario and work there. It had never crossed my mind that I would stay out East. But as the years went by, I found friends that I considered family. I found places that I considered home and sanctuaries. I made memories that I didn’t want to leave, and so, I decided to stay.
Moving to Halifax was exciting. It was the first year of being a true independent adult. I had my dream job, I lived with my best friends. We drank wine on our back porch and laughed with our neighbours above us. We walked Spring Garden and swam at the dock. We ate out at our favourite restaurants and had iced chai lattes from Coburg Social.
So many big changes and major milestones happened while I lived out East. I graduated university. I started my first nursing job. I met my people, my best friends, my partner.
I grew up.
So why did I leave?
When I left Ontario, I was ready for change. I craved change, even if it terrified me.
Leaving Nova Scotia felt the same.
I have always wanted to live elsewhere, to see new things, gain new experiences and meet new people. Living out West was always something I had considered and talked about. With Jason’s new career choice, it seemed like a good time.
One night last winter, Jason asked me, “Would you be able to stay here for another five years?”
That meant five years in Nova Scotia.
I said, “No.”
I wanted to travel and if we stayed in Nova Scotia I would be travelling without Jason. We would be doing long distance for longer, which neither of us wanted to do anymore.
It also meant that I would feel like I was missing out on other things. On seeing new places and doing new things. Staying was just as scary as the idea of moving.
So, as heartbreaking as it was, we decided it was time to move.
People have asked me, “When will you be back? How long are you going for? You’re coming back though, right?”
And of course I have said, “We are,” “we will be back in a few years,” and “Nova Scotia is our home.”
But, I thought that about Ontario when I was eighteen. And I’ve never moved back.
It is also important to note that other than COVID and going home for summers during university, I have lived away from home for almost 8 years. I’ve missed Christmases, birthdays, important life changes amongst my family in Ontario. I wasn’t there to meet our family dog when we got her, I’m sure I am still the strange woman that shows up every few months for a week just to leave again. I wasn’t home to say goodbye to my best friend, my dog Oscar, when he passed. I spent years away from him, my friends, from home, and my family. Living away from home for that long, being that young, isn’t easy. I saw my parents through a screen more than I saw them in person. I got snippets of their lives, and now I want more.
Moving out West, means that for the first time in 8 years I will be close to my family. My parents are only a car ride away for half the year. I have aunts, uncles, cousins and best friends less than an hour away from me in almost every direction. So, while I’m leaving behind family out East, I finally get to be close to my parents, my family- my first home.
So to answer the question, I really don’t know.
I hope that we will move back East. In this moment right now, Nova Scotia is where I call home and I know I want to settle there in the years to come.
But things change, anything can happen and in a few years time my answer might be different.
All I know right now, is that I miss home, but I am happy I am out West.
I feel selfish for wanting to leave, but brave for leaving.
I am homesick for the friends I left behind, but hopeful to experience new things.
So, while I try to be present, to not look back at what I left behind, I do want to thank Nova Scotia for taking me in as their own. For giving me a new place to call home. And I want to thank the places and people that made it home for me.
So here it goes…
Dear Nova Scotia,
Firstly, I want to apologize for how quickly I judged you when I first arrived. Your small town, single street, no Starbucks, crazy party atmosphere was different than what I was used to. It took some warming up to, but I have never been so appreciative of all the beautiful things you hold.
Thank you for Antigonish. This town, filled with loud and friendly faces, passionate alumni, and close communities is a town that feels like home. I made my biggest triumphs and largest downfalls there. I met my best friends, most of whom I got to live with at one point or another. I found the best waffles I’ve ever eaten (gluten free of course) and the cheapest place to get film developed. I fell in love with 5 cents to a dollar, however deceiving the name might be. This town made me feel known and cared for. It’s where I found courage and that the best things in life truly do happen outside of my comfort zone.
Thank you for the Ocean. For the polar plunges in mid January or New Years day, screaming while our feet burned from the freezing water. Thank you for giving me the waves to surf and for the many wipe outs my friends and I laughed through. I am forever grateful for the bonfires shared with my friends (family) at Jimtown beach. Or the way the sunsets were perfect at Crystal Cliffs. I’m grateful for the day my best friends and I took photos there, for my music release, those memories and photographs I hold so close to my heart. I love your Ocean Nova Scotia, it will always call me home.
Thank you for your beautiful cities, especially Halifax. I walked the streets of Halifax daily, I always felt safe and I almost always saw someone I knew. I never took that for granted, and it is what I love about the East coast so much. Halifax is where I recorded my music… and released some too. It is where strangers became family, and where I became a regular at Studio East, Citadel Hill and Point Pleasant. It is where I met my best friend and partner-Jason. Halifax is where I actually felt like I knew what I was doing. It’s where my nursing co-workers became friends and shoulders to lean on. This city, is full of art and magic and love. I couldn’t have dreamt of a better place to grow and learn from.
Thank you for the adventures. From the wineries in the Valley, to the local shops in Wolfville, Halifax. Antigonish and Inverness. Thank you for the views from the Skyline trail, and all the twists and turns along the Cabot trail. Thank you for the walks on the beaches in Inverness with Jason or just by myself. I’m grateful for the days I spent exploring coastal towns and for the new steps I learned at square dances. Nova Scotia, you hold so many memories, so many experiences that I will always cherish.
And of course, Nova Scotia, thank you for your people. It is true what they say that there is no one kinder than a maritimer. Coming from Ontario, with the reputation we have, I hope that I have broken the mold. I long to be considered a maritimer, it is an honour to be one. I have never met nicer, more welcoming people. They are the people who have taken me in on Holidays where I had no where else to go. Or on nights when it wasn’t safe for me to go back to my home, you took me in, fed me and kept me safe. Your people are hilarious, quite possibly some of the funniest people I know. They know everyone- every father, uncle, aunt, cousin, dog, teacher, doctor, fiddler, ex-wife/husband, secret love child there is. They know everything about everyone and it is incredible. Thank you for giving me my best friends, some of whom I met in Nova Scotia but live in New Brunswick or PEI. I feel far away from them out here, but I am always cheering them on. For the people closest in my life, they know who they are, thank you for being who you are, you are fierce, strong, brace, smart, beautiful souls that I am lucky to call friends. (So you better come and visit me).
I have only good memories and good things to say about you Nova Scotia. It is a privilege to call you home. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all of the years you have given me.
Thank you for our little infinity.
See you soon,
Quinn
As always…
Songs that I play when I think of out East…
1.You’re Gunna Go Far
by Noah Kahan
*Honestly his entire stick season album is just a tribute to anyone that is away from home or misses home
