A Year Ago Today
“If you look into the distance, there's a house upon the hill. Guiding like a lighthouse to a place where you'll be safe to feel our grace 'cause we've all made mistakes..If you've lost your way
I will leave the light on”
-Leave a Light On by Tom Walker
Before I begin, this post is about mental health and a part of my journey with it. It may be triggering or bring up personal experiences with mental illness/mental health that some people may find difficult to read. It is written in the intent to start a conversation that is long over due, in the hopes of starting more conversations and continuing this one.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think or feel anything but pain. Just out of my mind sadness. It had been weeks at this point of self-loathing and outside judgement, so after everything, I guess it was the straw that broke the camels back.
I had been there before. I knew the feelings, I knew what my mind was telling me to do. I knew I hated myself so much that living just wasn’t worth it anymore. I couldn’t see the point.
I had a choice- I’d been faced with it before. I had been strong enough to choose life before, and even though every part of me screamed the opposite I decided to choose life again.
Showing weakness and asking for help when you’re at the lowest of lows is the hardest thing a person can do. It takes everything to say, “I’m not okay. I need help.” There’s a fear of rejection and judgement. Something that I have unfortunately faced when opening up about mental illness. It was something that I faced that day last year.
There is this idea that once you ask for help and they see you mentally broken they won’t be able to unsee it.
“I’m sorry to bother you, but, I need you to pick me up. I think I need to go to the hospital. I’m not okay and I’m afraid I might do something I’ll regret”
That’s what I said on the phone when I asked a friend for help. A friend that I wasn’t super close with at the time, but who I knew I could trust my life with.
That was a year ago today.
A year ago today, I hit my version of rock bottom. It’s a place I have only been to three times in my life, and I think to say there won’t be a fourth would be an injustice to myself and life in general.
A year ago today, two people stayed with me, took care of me and kept me safe. They were my family when my family couldn’t be with me. They saved my life that night, and I think that shouldn’t go unnoticed.
Before, I kept it all to myself. I tried to climb back up from rock bottom on my own. This time, I wanted to change. I wanted support to ensure that rock bottom and I wouldn’t see each other again for a long time.
The first step…
was choosing myself. I had to put myself first, something I hadn’t been doing in a long time. In lifeguarding they teach you that if you have a victim with heatstroke, the first thing to do is to remove them from the hot environment. I needed an environment that was going to care and support me- so I moved.
The second step…
was to ask for help again. Once was great, but I needed a foundation. So I went to therapy. I went to talk to someone about how I was feeling because after feeling it for so long, it can start to feel normal. I think once I really told myself that it isn’t normal, that there are people who don’t think those things, I knew it was something I could mend and work on, and hopefully fix.
The third step…
was active positive change. What I mean by this is, I actively tried to change how I saw and did things. I did what made ME happy, I surrounded myself with people who made ME happy, I took the time to live instead of just exist.
Now it has been a year. It didn’t change over night, it was months of ups and downs, highs and lows and working on myself. A year ago today if you had told me that I would be where I am, with the friends that I have and the family that I have… if you had told me I’d be the happiest and best version of myself yet, I would NOT have believed you.
I am around people who accept me fully, who laugh at my awkwardness and jokes. Who want to go on adventures, who don’t judge me or other people. Who can have endless conversations about things that isn’t gossip. I have friends that throw me surprise birthday parties, who bring me ice cream and chips when I’m sad, who remind me every day how lucky I am that I chose to live.
click right to see my people
So why am I writing this now?
I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, but I didn’t know when the right time was. I didn’t want to write it when BellLetsTalk Day came around because I have a love hate relationship with that day. I love that it supports mental health and reducing the stigma that surrounds it, but I HATE that it only seems to be that one day of the year that people actively acknowledge mental health and the stigma.
So I wanted to write it on a regular day, because mental health should be talked about any day if not every day. It should be a discussion, an open conversation that people aren’t afraid to have.
No one should feel less-than because of a mental illness, and no one should go through it on their own.
I don’t want to be just another hashtag on BellLetsTalk day. I want to be okay with my mental illness because it is part of my story. It’s something that I work hard to accept, because it takes a lot of time to be comfortable sharing and talking about mental health.
So here it is…
I’m Quinn, I’m twenty-two years young. I have two adorable dogs. I love the water. I’m a gemini. I don’t eat gluten but I would if I could. I am afraid of dragonflies. I have anxiety. I use to swim competitively. I take my camera almost everywhere I go. I have two amazing parents. I have had depression (and I probably will again at some point). I like the smell of campfires and eucalyptus. I just taught myself how to play guitar.I can’t whistle, but my brother can. I have had depersonalization/de-realization. I like crepes more than waffles. I want to travel the world. I love to draw and paint. I can’t keep a plant alive for more than three months. I have had suicidal ideation and I am okay.
People need to stop thinking that mental illnesses are something that defines who they are. It is a part of who you are but there is so much more than that to an individual. The stigma that surrounds mental health is toxic. I want mental health to be a conversation. It doesn’t need to be the topic of every conversation, but people should feel safe enough to reach out to someone they trust and talk about their feelings.
For so long we’ve made mental illnesses a taboo conversation, but it is one of the most common thing people share with each other and can relate to.
Everyone has had an experience with mental health/ mental illness, whether it be themselves personally or someone they know or care about. But why do we still all walk around and ignore the elephant in the room?
Life is messy and no one said it would be easy. Going through it alone won’t make it any easier. If you’re someone who is living with a mental illness, know that you are not alone, that there are people who care and who will be there for you- myself included. If whoever is reading this ever needs someone to listen or to talk to, REACH OUT! I will be there.
The world is a difficult place right now, not just because of COVID, but with social media, expectations, family, school and sometimes it can get to be too much.
It is okay to not be okay. Which is a totally cliche (omg that rhymed), but think about it, really break down what that means.
It is okay
To NOT BE okay
Writing this, I’m still afraid of the impression people will have of me. I’m afraid that people will see me as broken or differently than how they saw me before. I understand that that might happen, and I’m writing this anyways.
I know that I am happier and healthier than I have ever been. Maybe I needed to get to this place to be able to talk about it. For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. I’m learning to be okay with uncertainty, to find joy in the little things and to take care of myself.
For anyone that feels like they are in a toxic living space, friendship or relationship know that it is okay to walk away. It will be hard, but if it is for your health and if it will put you in a better and safer place, then it is for the best.
“Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn’t mean you’ve gained me as an enemy. I’m bigger than that. I still want you to eat, just not at my table” - Tupac.
Breaking up with a friend is just as hard as breaking up with a significant other, it hurts the same. But surrounding yourself with the people that bring out the best version of YOU will end up being the best and healthiest gift you ever give yourself.
So for anyone out there who has ever been where I have been and have dug their way back to themselves, know how strong you are and be proud of how far you’ve come.
For anyone who is still climbing, know that you are not alone, there are people to help you, people who care, people to call and people who will answer.
You are going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments that you cannot even imagine yet
- John Green.
Below are resources in my area (Antigonish/ Nova Scotia) and online that you can use if you need someone to listen, to talk to, to support you and to get you back to the version of yourself that you want to be.
Resources
This Book has helped me through so much, I really recommend getting it. It is nice because you can just open it and read it when you need it most.
Video Resources
Links to In-Person, Over the Phone and Online Resources
Antigonish Women’s Resource Centre
http://awrcsasa.ca/
This place provides so much support for women in the community. It is a place that I could walk into and feel at home and feel safe and cared for. They have free services too, and they are there to support you in literally ANY WAY you need.
Mental Health Foundation of Nova Scotia
https://www.mentalhealthns.ca/find-support
This website has information about what resources are available throughout Nova Scotia
StFX Student Resources Health and Wellness
They have a lot of great links to the resources in the StFX community.
https://www.justbreatheyouareenough.com/student-resources-health-and-wellness
Mindhous Wellness
I know a lot of students that use Mindhous Wellness and other off campus Therapists. It is important to find a Therapist that matches your needs and that you feel most comfortable with. It is a process, sometimes you don’t find the right fit, right away, but when you do it can be so beneficial.
