Why I Chose St.FX... Twice.

By the time grade twelve came around, my life felt established- I had a routine, friends, family…life was good. Senior year was my favourite year of high school because, as it was advertised, it meant that high school would be over soon and I would be moving on to bigger and better things.

Like many high schools, ours organized different university representatives to come and speak to our graduating class about why we should choose their school over the others.

I only went to one talk- St. Francis Xavier University.

I always new in my heart of hearts that I would be attending a university on the east coast. When I was younger, I remember seeing a commercial for Dalhousie University at the movie theatre and falling instantly in love.

But when I got to my high school in grade nine and my home room teacher was wearing an X ring, all signs started to point to StFX. When my last year rolled around, my parents made it clear that staying close to home was not an option, and my brother was already attending Memorial University in Newfoundland, so the east coast made the most sense.

The majority of my teachers in high school graduated from StFX and they all really persuaded me to choose X. I was easily convinced since StFX had everything I wanted in a school- it had a small campus, close knit community, school spirit, and I only ever heard positive things.

Now, flash back to 17 year old me, when my life plan was to become a doctor. The thing about becoming a doctor is you need to stand out. Lots of people can take biomed, but that doesn’t really jump out in a sea of applications for medical school. I ended up applying to a lot of genetics and molecular biology programs at other universities. While, the one downside to StFX, was that they did not offer a subject focused science program.

That was when I considered Nursing. My mom was a nurse, and I never really gave much thought to the idea, until I realized how badly I wanted to attend St.FX. So I applied to Nursing on a whim.

I told myself, I’ll do Nursing and apply to medical school after. I have friends that have done that and worse case scenario I still have a job as a nurse when I graduate.

When I received my letter of acceptance and I decided to choose StFX, I felt like things were finally falling into place.

Fast forward to September of 2016 as my family and I drove up from Ottawa to the school I would soon call home in the thriving metropolis of Antigonish Nova Scotia.

All of orientation week was a roller coaster of emotions. I was excited to meet new people and start a new chapter, but I was feeling homesick and adapting to the small town of Antigonish was harder than I  had anticipated.  I made friends quickly, but still felt lonely and I missed my routine, friends and family from back home.

I went away to start fresh and start a new chapter. I was prepared. I was smart, hardworking, outgoing, and ready to be there. So why did things go so wrong?

My first year of university was the hardest year of my life. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did. I made friends with the some not so great people, I was in a program that I didn’t know anything about and I later found that I was in it for the wrong reasons and I was in a culture of partying and drinking and the pressure to be someone I wasn’t.

Slowly, I lost myself.

September hit…Hard.

It was a normal day, until it wasn’t. Until I couldn’t breathe. It was my first panic attack in years. My mom got, what I am assuming, the scariest and hardest phone calls to receive. How do you help someone that is so far away?

I was fine and then I wasn’t.

I couldn’t recognize myself. I didn’t recognize my friends and family in the pictures on my wall. My legs didn’t feel like my own. I felt detached from my body, like I was watching a movie or dreaming. Nothing made sense. I became paranoid and antisocial. Sleep was my only escape. But I woke up every morning praying to see myself and wake up from my nightmare, only to realize that it wasn’t gone.

 I couldn’t look in the mirror. I avoided people and crowds. I cried…a lot and counted down the days until I could go home.

After three days I decided to go to the on campus psychologist. I knew that I needed help.

It took everything for me to go and talk to him. It was uncomfortable and unpleasant. Asking for help has never been easy for me.

I tried my best to break down walls to let him see how desperate I was for help.  He told me to “not think about it”. It was insulting.

I had never felt more humiliated.

He didn’t understand. He didn’t know what was wrong and I was getting more and more terrified as every day passed. What if this never went away? I felt so angry about what was happening. I had a plan, but that was never part of the plan.

Going home for thanksgiving was difficult. I cried in the airport, had two anxiety attacks on the plane, I cried when I saw my parents because I knew that they were my Mom and Dad, but I didn’t know them.

The next morning, I went to my family doctor- a man that had known me since I was born. I was afraid that he wouldn’t have answers either, that he would laugh or tell me to ignore it.

But he didn’t.

“You have depersonalization/derealisation- and you’re going to be okay”

I had never heard of it before, but after he described the signs and symptoms I knew it was exactly what was happening to me. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t losing my mind. I could be normal again.

The cause: my anxiety, sleep deprivation and the pressures of university. What my mom and my doctor said next wasn’t as relieving.  

“You shouldn’t go back to school in this condition. You aren’t well.”

This wasn’t the plan. Dropping out was not the plan. How did I get here?

I was the girl that lit up a room, that craved socialization, that thrived on discipline and learning and being involved. And now, I was weak, afraid, paranoid and avoiding people like the plague.

But of course I agreed. I shouldn’t go back to the toxic environment that broke me. But in all of the darkness, was one thing that I wouldn’t leave. Erin.

You see, even though most of the ‘friends’ I had made were terrible, Erin was the light that saved me. She is my best friend. We stuck together and I couldn’t leave her, so, I went back.

The rest of my year was hard. I don’t really know exactly when the DP/DR completely went away. It slowly faded. But the aftermath took longer. I got out of the toxic friend group I was in and started to make new friends- much better friends. I surrounded myself with things that made me happy and brought me laughter.

Near the end of first year, I made the decision to change schools and leave St.FX.

It was one of the toughest decisions I ever made. I went into the year expecting to have met life long friends and made months of memories. I anticipated the feeling of not wanting to go home because X was where I was happiest. But not everything went as planned.

So that spring I accepted my admissions for Nursing at Trent University in Peterborough to be closer to family. The last month at X, I had finally started to make connections and friendships, and leaving started to feel like the wrong decision, but my mind was made up and it would be better for me in the long run… so I thought.

In August of 2017, my family and I drove up to Trent University for Orientation for the incoming nursing students and to find an apartment, since I wasn’t going to be living in residence.

I sat in an auditorium surrounded by recently graduated high school students, talking about how excited they were to be starting university. I was miserable. I felt like a failure knowing that I would have to start fresh and repeat my first year. I didn’t want to have to make new friends again, or live off campus. I wanted to be back at X with Erin and my other friends I had made.

After looking at apartments in the most depressing dingy basements and forgotten spaces in the northern hemisphere, my mom and I were driving to our cottage when I burst into tears. I couldn’t do it- I wanted to go back to X.

As terrible as first year was, there were people that I was going to miss or I wanted to know better. I missed the campus and the town and looking at Trent made me feel more stressed and lonely than before. I told my parents everything I had been feeling and they supported my decision.

With only two weeks left of summer, I managed to drop out of Trent and be re-admitted to St.Francis Xavier.  I would be in residence, starting fresh. Unfortunately, it meant only being in school for a semester (that is a whole other story) but at least I would get my do-over.

Going into “second” year (one and a half), I was determined to do things differently. I was going to find a balance between school and socializing. I would take time for myself to find things that made me happy. I wanted to surround myself with people that brought me up, not tore me down.

And that is exactly what I did.  

That semester was life changing. I found my best friends and roommates who I love more than anything. I joined the cheerleading team, through which I met so many amazing people.

My university story is not linear. It has had ups and downs and twists and turns. I dropped out of university twice in one year, I realized that I do NOT want to become a doctor, but that I actually enjoy nursing and I had faith that my choice in universities would work out.

When I decided to come back to X, I told myself that I chose St.FX for a reason, and I had to see it through. Now, I am going into my third year of Nursing, fourth year at X, and I am the happiest I have ever been.

This school is more than just an education to me, it is a community, a family and a home. I love everything here, from the campus to the town. I love that I can walk across campus and see people that I know every single day. I love our school spirit and supportive atmosphere. I love that nothing in 5 cents to a dollar is actually 5 cents to a dollar and that the people of Antigonish are some of the kindest, most selfless people I have ever met.

And I love the journey I had to take to get me to this point. I am grateful for the hard times I had first year because of the perspective it gave me and the lessons I learned about the unpredictability of life.

St. Francis Xavier University was my first choice, and my second choice and I would choose it a million times again if it meant being able to be where I love, surrounded by who I love, every single day, like I am today.